LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ -- Many people, especially women, keep trying to stage the perfect Christmas. But achieving the perfect Christmas is elusive -- and often frustrating.

Uncooperative family members, unrealistic expectations, finances, and time constraints all impede the quest for the perfect Christmas according to Dr. Tina M. Lowrey of Somerset, associate professor of marketing at Rider University.

She and fellow researcher Dr. Cele Otnes, associate professor of advertising at the University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana, have studied gift giving and relationships for several years.

"Many people seek to do what they did as kids in search of the perfect Christmas," Dr. Lowrey said. "There is a certain nostalgia to it. Or it could be they are searching for the Christmas they wished they had as kids."

The media plays a big role in defining what the perfect Christmas should be, she said. "Christmas is sold to us in stories and programs. Advertising reinforces these myths and lead many women to feel they are failing to have a perfect Christmas."

She points out the women's magazines often feature special holiday recipes. There may be make-ahead casseroles and many baking ideas. There are also numerous decorating ideas. Then there is the intense toy advertising. "Kids today hand their parents computerized and cross-referenced Christmas lists," Lowrey notes.

And it is usually women who seek the perfect day. Men are more inclined to do the physical chores of putting up the lights and buying a gift for their wives. Yet the stress of the holidays is upon women because most work and "don't have time to do it right," Lowrey adds.

Add in how relationships change over time. What was once an easy person to buy for now has become difficult. As example, Lowrey notes that some mothers said their young daughters were easy to buy for, but then their daughters reached teen age and they became more picky.

Relationships also become strained or change. There may be the obligatory gift for the in-laws. Perhaps there has been a divorce in the family. A family member or friend may have died causing more change and strain. Relatives or friends may have moved to another state.

"Gift giving strategy really changes. People fall off the list and get added to the list. Relationships change," Lowrey said. "People get to know people better or there is a falling out."

The Rider professor notes that younger people in the their 20's tend to cling to the magical aspect of Christmas, still trying to meet with nieces and nephews.

There are lower expectations among older people, Lowrey adds. "They are more likely to have given up on the perfect Christmas, but just seek to have a relaxed time."

As people grow older, new strategies are developed. Women often feel they can't do it all, Lowrey said. Some resort to having food catered. Friends and relatives may bring food items for the meal rather than have the responsibility rest with the host family. There are agreement among relatives only to give gifts to the children. The object is to lessen the work load.

That way while the perfect Christmas may be elusive, there may be less stress and more time to relax with family and friends.